


All Sales Final

by UP2L8



Series: Sex Shop AU [2]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Ed's a badass, M/M, yes these toys actually exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 07:31:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17219618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UP2L8/pseuds/UP2L8
Summary: Sorry, no returns or exchanges. Because eww.





	All Sales Final

**Author's Note:**

> Look! Another one! And it didn't take me a year!

Roy parked his classic Mustang in the strip mall’s parking lot and slid out of the driver’s seat eager to accomplish his self-imposed mission. 

It had been a week since Roy had first walked into Pothos Boutique, and he had deemed that plenty of time for the intriguing blond sex toy salesman to decide whether or not he would grace Roy with his presence for coffee. The Christmas rush was over. Boxing Day was a few days past. Surely the store wouldn’t be too busy for Roy to corner the focus of his interest and sway him toward an informal date at the nearest Timmy’s after his shift. 

He should have known better. 

The shop was extremely busy when Mustang looked in. Like most of the local businesses in the area, Boxing Day had expanded into Boxing Week, and who could have predicted that people would be this hot – so to speak - for a sex toy sale. 

Edward was there, along with the manager and another saleswoman. All were engaged with customers, with a few more anxiously attempting to catch their attention. 

Roy walked in anyway. He wasn’t sure why. Perhaps he just wanted to admire the view. 

Long, golden blond hair. Eyes an exotic match. On the short side, but well built, causally dressed in dark jeans and a red hoodie sweatshirt with a large black snake and crucifix symbol on the back. Age wise, Roy put him in the old enough to be legal, but young enough not to be jaded category. Judging from his previous reading material – Gupta’s _Classical Mechanics of Particles and Rigid Bodies_ was grad student material at least – Roy placed him in his mid twenties, though he looked much younger. Still, the young man held himself with a worldly confidence that seemed beyond his years – just Roy’s type. He was a brat, but Roy could handle attitude. In fact, that fire was part of what attracted him in the first place. 

In second place was that perfect ass. Roy didn’t think he’d ever seen one finer. 

Pothos manager noticed him standing just inside the door and gave him an apologetic smile. Roy returned it with a wink and a friendly grin. He hadn’t known Anichka for very long but felt a tentative kinship. They had decorated a Christmas tree with adult novelties together after all. You couldn’t say that about too many people in your life. 

Roy walked farther into the busy shop, closing in on Edward. The tall blond man he was serving was hefting a rather large buttplug, tossing it back and forth from one hand to the other like a hot potato. By Roy’s estimate, the damn thing had to be nearly 5 inches at its widest diameter. Just thinking about it made him wince. 

“The AssMaster is the biggest we have, and it can be a bit intimidating,” Edward was saying. “We also carry the AssServant. Still big, but it might be a better fit.” He reached up to select a slightly smaller plug from the display and handed it over. 

The customer now held a plug in each hand, eyeing them skeptically. “I like the Master,” he said, “but you’re the expert. I’ve never used one of these before.” 

Edward’s face went completely blank. “You ever have _anything_ up there?” 

“No,” the customer admitted, uncomfortable. “Just, you know, fingers. So, what do you think? Servant? Master?” 

“Holy shit, neither,” Edward gritted. “You’d be better off getting started with an prostate massager.” 

Now the man looked slighted. “I can take it,” he said with determination. 

“It’s not an endurance contest,” Edward said testily. “It’s supposed to feel good.” 

“Maybe endurance contests are what make me feel good.” The customer was looking Edward dead in the eye for the first time. 

Edward was silent for a moment, then grimaced. “Point taken. The Servant, then. You’ll still have trouble walking, but at least you’ll probably be able to.” 

The customer smiled, satisfied. “Sold.” 

“Now let’s see about some toy cleaner, and definitely some lube.” 

The customer was reading the package. “Toy cleaner? It’s supposed to be dishwasher safe.” 

Edward gave him the side eye. “Fine, so just the lube.” 

“Do I really need it?” 

Edward was beyond expressing outrage at this point. “Unless you’re into rupturing something and bleeding out from your asshole, yeah, you need it. Cooking oil isn’t going to cut it, and on top of that it’ll damage the plug.” 

That appeared to be a selling point the customer couldn’t argue. “Oh. Okay. So. What’s the best lube for this baby?” He patted the plug affectionately as he followed Edward to a display island in the centre of the store. 

“Uranus.” Edward was definitely playing him now. 

“Excuse me?” 

Selecting a sleek black bottle from the display, Edward held it up. “Not ‘your anus’; Uranus.” 

The customer squinted at the label. “Oh,” he said, sheepish. “I thought . . . never mind.” 

Roy had made no effort to catch his attention; nevertheless, he knew Edward had seen him but was ignoring him, hopefully just until he had finished with his customer. Which was imminent, as Edward led the man to the checkout counter to complete the transaction. Roy quickly stepped up to the counter as well in hopes of catching a few moments of his time before his next client. He had a plan that wouldn’t involve unduly interrupting the store’s busy staff and would hopefully earn him some brownie points. 

But he was out of luck. 

No sooner had the AssServant’s proud owner stepped away from the counter, another man pushed past Roy and slammed down a plastic grocery bag. Roy wasn’t the only one who jumped. 

“This thing is a piece of shit,” the man snarled into the sudden quiet of the store. “I want my money back.” 

Although the customer was at least a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier than him, Edward did not appear in the least intimidated. In fact, his golden eyes almost glowed with anticipation for the impending confrontation. 

“Check out your receipt,” he said, all business. “No returns, no exchanges.” 

The man dumped the contents of the bag onto the counter. A crumpled receipt. Mangled packaging. Four double A batteries. And a dildo. Purple. With flexible spines along the shaft. That appeared to be attached to a purple plastic bear. At the crotch. It looked like some nightmare interpretation of a porcupine performing fellatio on a teddy bear rendered in cheap polypropylene. The only use Roy could imagine for this piece of junk would be to traumatize any child who might accidentally stumble upon it. Then again, who was he to judge? 

“It doesn’t work,” the man spat. “You sold me a piece of shit.” 

The rest of Pothos’ staff had converged on the counter while their customers hung back, some outright staring at the developing drama, some pretending not to. 

“Yeah, I remember you.” The saleswoman with dark brown hair dyed red at the tips moved around the counter to stand beside Ed, glaring. “You didn’t want to wait for me to put the batteries in and make sure it worked. I wrote that on your receipt.” She reached for the crumpled piece of paper.

The customer batted it off the counter. “Well now we know it doesn’t work, bitch. I want my money back.” 

“I’ll handle this Berta.” Anichka was behind the counter now as well. “As is clearly stated on your receipt, we do not offer refunds or exchanges. Please take your purchase and leave, or I will call the police.” 

“Call them. I’m not leaving without my fucking money.” The man rocked back on his heels and his lips curled into a challenging smirk. 

Edward stepped in front of the two women. “Our manager has asked you to leave. I’d listen to her, if I were you.” 

“Who’s gonna make me? You?” The man’s smirk got wider. “The only way a shrimp like you can get me out of here is to give me my money back. Now make it quick; I don’t got all day.” 

Edward’s face had darkened to a scowl. “What did you just call me?” His voice was deadly quiet. 

“Didn’t hear me, runt?” The man leaned across the counter, looming over Edward. “Let me make myself clearer.” His beefy hand flashed out toward the smaller blond, maybe to clench in Ed’s collar, maybe not. 

Roy had gradually moved until he was standing as close behind the irate customer as possible without calling attention to the fact, so he was in position to make a quick grab for him. 

He wasn’t quick enough.  

In the blink of an eye, Edward had dodged, slammed the man’s head down on the counter, leapfrogged him, and pinned him there with his arms twisted up behind his back. 

“Who’s so small he could use a condom for a sleeping bag?” Edward snarled into the struggling man’s ear, eyes on _fire._ Then he yanked him up and frog marched him to the door. 

Berta hurried over to open it and held it wide with a cheerful smile, gesturing toward the sidewalk with a small bow. 

“This store has an excellent video surveillance system,” Anichka told the sputtering thug as Edward levered his captive past her. “Leave and don’t come back, and I won’t have to make the recording of your visit available to the police department.” 

Edward heaved the man outside. Berta tossed his well hung, non-returnable teddy bear after him. The douchebag took a moment to think it over, then stomped away. Anichka and her sales staff moved back to their respective customers. Roy just stood there, wondering if Edward could possibly get any hotter. 

He also wondered how he could be so intensely attracted to someone he had only ever spoken to once. 

Edward was gorgeous, that went without saying, but it was more than that. Maybe it was the way he had treated his customer the day Roy had met him, putting the young woman at ease, listening to her story, helping her to find just what she was looking for. And his advice as she was leaving, to make sure she knew how to stay safe. Endearing. Or maybe it was the fact that he didn’t immediately fall for Roy’s practiced charms. He seemed more enticed by sincerity than artifice. For Roy, that would be a challenge, and he did so love a challenge. And then there was Edward’s fire. This was a man who blazed with conviction and self confidence. Roy had always been fascinated by open flames, wild and uncontrollable, mesmerizing. 

And apparently, he was staring. 

“What the hell are you looking at?” Edward snapped. 

The future love of my life, Roy didn’t say. “Someone in desperate need of a coffee,” he said instead. He turned to Anichka and put his plan into action. “I was in the neighbourhood and wondered if I might treat Pothos’ hard working staff to a Timmy’s. Give me your order, and I’ll be back in fifteen minutes.” 

That proposal was met with uncontested approval. 

It looked like Roy would have to wait for another chance to ask Edward out, but that was fine. Some things were worth waiting for, and Roy was sure that spending time with Edward would turn out to be one of those things.


End file.
